1 whole year. Without you.

It's 7 March 2013 today. 

To others, it's probably just another day, but to me, it's a day when I remember and reminisce. It's today, exactly 1 year ago, at 9.04pm, you left us to be in a better world.

Time flies and another year has passed without us knowing. 

During this one year, to keep you close in my heart, my mind just thinks of you without fail everyday and how I wish you could come speak to me in my dreams. There were times when I dreamed of you but when I woke up, I had no memory of any form of conversation except knowing the fact that you did appear. Even though I felt sad because of this, I'm still happy that you came. 

During the year, I constantly think of happy images and memories of you instead of the last Skype video call I had with you in the hospital. It was the most painful video call I have ever received because I was so afraid of losing you and the fear of the unknown was killing me. I still remember I was having my first placement and it was so difficult to put on a false front in front of people I barely knew. It's hard to even keep a slightly cheerful false front in front of family members. The thought of you leaving at that time made me feel so scared and lonely because I never thought of death in the longest time ever. Shortly after you left, I was in great misery and I tried recalling your voice and those good memories I have shared with you. Faulty memories though, our minds just don't have the capacity to remember every single detail.

So after a year has passed, I have grown a lot. My resilience and tolerance have improved and I'm no longer the same timid person I used to be. I can't say that I'm super confident now, at least I'm able to keep conversations going without much awkward pauses. And it's only possible through the many values you have imparted. I want to be as strong as you. You were so brave and courageous in my eyes. (Still is)

However, I miss all the memories. Your cosy little home in Toa Payoh, the traditional sofa and pretty cases you always change once in awhile, the bed I used to sleep on since I was young: you would surround me with pillows and bolsters and cover me with a blanket to make me feel safe and comfortable during nap times. The time when we ran in the rain to buy my favourite Pikachu pillow (which I'm still keeping till today) and bolster and used them to shelter ourselves. Your delicious homecooked food (on Wednesdays we have something special apart from the usual dishes with rice) and soup everyday. Everyday after coming home from school, you will always ask me to guess what soup you cooked today. You helped to look after our hamsters and did such a great job at it when we tried to abandon our responsibilities. Your homewear slippers: you never walked around the house without them. Your cuddles whenever I needed one while watching TV. Your smiles. Your kisses. Your voice. Your presence. There's simply too many memories to recall. You have been a part of my life since I was 2 months old.

I miss you Ah Ma. Even till this day. Thank you for taking care of me for the past 18 years of my life. I know I can never express my gratitude ever again. However I will leave you a special place in my heart which no one can ever replace. One day, I hope to see you again in the afterlife. I love you with all my heart. 

To end this note on a positive note, above are perhaps the happiest moments of my childhood. Always present for my birthdays. I love you Ah Ma.